confession.

i hope she doesnt know that she scares me. when i am around her in any capacity she manages to put a smile on my face that i thought i lost. it is scary that she may be the one that can set me free, not give a fuck. i hope shes down for whatever insanity that we will go through. i hope she can really say that shes my newb.

healthy.

i havent been healthy, in terms of what i expose my body to and how much i eat. i think it is time to slow my roll, get things down, and eat right. i have been living on a fast paced road trip to oblivion and today is the right time to actually give a fuck. i paid a lot of my attention on what is wrong and not what went wrong. i worry too much about being a good person and a great friend to people who are not in my life. i need to stop daydreaming and start executing. it has been a long and draining process and now it is time to put up or shut up.. mainly just shut up and get to work.

me being romantic.

when i rediscover my butterflies, i want to travel the world. i want to take a picture in a different place, next to something memorable so i can take a picture of it, that means i am going to take a picture of everything. i want to be free and see the world through my own eyes and not through the television lens.

i would want her to share this with me. the world, a camera, and me. pictures to rediscover later, emotions to relive, memories for a lifetime. it is not even about love for me, it is about having fun and enjoying what is around me. that is all that i want, someone to share my happiness and someone to inspire me to be creative.

love your loneliness.

if you ever lose your heart please do not forget how to love being by yourself. i guilty of this the most when i am alone that i become dependent on people’s company. i would want to be with someone, i cant stay still, i must be active but i think what i am trying to delay is the inevitable, being alone.

as much as i love to be happy and to be hopeful, all in all we will all be alone eventually. when we die, we suffer then die individually and when we’re single or widowed we will have to face being alone. i do not want to be so melancholy but it is true but the sooner we embrace it and not fear it then we will be happier than ever before. being alone doesnt mean totally isolation, it just means that you have all your attention to the most important person to love, yourself. 

my secret lover.

if you dont know me then you will never find out that i love the piano above all other instruments. the piano is the only instrument that can best describes every emotion that i have ever felt in different songs and songs. there is a lot of versatility and a sensitive that makes the piano my own true love. i wish i never left my piano lessons, another thing to add to my list of regrets.

i suck big time for not being able to play the piano sufficiently so you better believe that all my children will know how to play the piano! the winning kid who sounds the best will always be the favorite right? ^_^

cleaning therapy

when im mad.. i clean. it makes me feel empowered that i can do something so labor intensive, more like time sensitive, because it makes me feel good. i know that everyone can do the laundry but taking the time out to do it is another topic. having the time for myself to clean my clothes soaked with my problems is very empowering. sometimes when i cannot do anything but just suffer, it makes me feel good to clean that grimy feeling away with detergent. then having to sort out my clothes, after my socks, is almost therapeutic. it is like when i sort my clean socks, i am the only person to know how gross it used to smell, separated from its pair. after everything is clean and folded, it feels like i washed myself of that grimy feeling. somewhat of a clean slate to be creative and inspired again.

useless.

friends are hard to forged but friendships are even harder to strengthen then maintain. there are always people who seem to fit better, laugh louder, and understand each other on deeper levels than others.

i am saying this because i am noticing the divide and i am acknowledging its existence. it is hard for me to believe though because at my core i am optimistic, if not, stupid, young, and naive. i just feel doped like how Patrick would feel if he saw Spongebob sharing BFF shit with someone else. it just sucks, that is all. but it is what it is and what will be is me retiring the word “best friend” from my lexicon. why? because i do not serious believe that anyone can actually be that, without sucking up too much that they become a groupie.

me

i must admit that i have been reincarnated three times. 

in my first life i was a tyrant
with a mean streak
and a passion for blood
chaos reigned, darkness came
my sword was my right hand
while an ax was the other
i wore no armor
because what is living
if there is no fear of dying
what is the point of being dominated
without feeling vulnerable.
after the arrows & bloodlust
i was subdued by loneliness
vanquishing all my enemies
outlasting all my friends.

in my other life i was a monk
constant in appreciation
sought after realization
remorseful for the devastated souls
that seek for me
to change their soles
so that they may walk clean into heaven
as if their pristine feet deserve to be washed
yet they never listen, they never proceed
calloused feet, warts, & burns
are required for heaven
miles upon miles are written in the crevices
of cracked skin within the sole’s padding
these patients require direction
but who am i to tell them the way
to their divination
when we all walk amongst gods
& never thieves

lastly i used to be lucifer..