i believe i am losing myself. i do not know what to think, what to say, or what to do. i really believe i have some sort of depression. there are a lot of good things in my life but i am not happy. i could attribute it to not being able to be by myself but.. for me.. i do not think that reason completely explains everything. i do not even know what to say or how to write poetry. this is the more frustrating thing that i have ever admitted to myself, i do not know how to write poetry. i do not know how to adequately express myself & be satisfied. is it because i am a perfectionist? or have i become too infatuated with the outside appearance of things.. like how good something sounds or how good something looks? maybe throughout the years i have become jaded & too infatuated with things looking good. maybe i have become hungry for the attention and the approval of other people even though it seems like i really do not care. i feel like the roots that i have embedded within people are strong but i want more. i want to do something with my life instead of falling short on the potential that i know i have. i do not want to be just words anymore, i want to transfer things into action so i will start with the simple things. i want to draw & color & do things that require my solitude. i should not go out as much & i should reacquaint myself with myself because i am just tired of who i am right now. i want to lose weight so i will. i will cut down on the cussing because i can fully express myself without cussing. for all the advice that i give to people, i should listen to my own words & be the person that i ought to be.